Men Against Rape

I have made repeated reports to our county’s Child Protective Services and when my child was very young, to the Police. When she was 4 or so she would innocently tell me things her father did to her, until we took her to the police she closed her mouth. Since then, there have been many people who have suspected things and many C.P.S. calls. EVERY single time, I have been told that she was "too young to be a credible witness" and blown off. I left this man when our child was under 1 year. I left because he was extremely abusive of me. But, because he did not abuse her (a newborn at that time) YET, the state of California, and this county, allow him to share custody with me. I filed for a restraining order when I left him, as a teenager. He found out, before I finished the process, and beat me to it, making up lies to get one against ME, his victim. I, being so young, had no idea what I was about to do…but I told him I didn’t care and that if him and his wife got one against ME, then that would STILL mean that they would have to stay away from me, so why would I dispute it? So, I didn’t object. How I wish I’d have had a lawyer. Since then the courts have referred to the man who committed repeated aggressive partner rape on me, as MY VICTIM and have bent to his every whim. My child accused him of molest, they told me she was too little to be credible. My child showed up repeatedly to preschool from his home behaving "oddly" with unexplained bruises shaped like a hand on her bottom etc (the school’s words) and still….she was too young to be credible and the father and his nearly equally abusive wife "denied" it. Oh…okay..case closed. Since then (here we sit 9 years from leaving him) I have had to, on court’s orders, Co Parent with this man, treat him kindly and "only speak positively" or I’d be in contempt. I have shoved my abuse history into what apparently turned out to be a time bomb inside me, and I now have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder form this. My child tells me on a regular basis that she is afraid of her father and his wife, but she will not speak to CPS because when they talk to her they talk to her AT THEIR house with the wife sitting within hearing range! She has told me they have threatened her into not telling me "their business" anymore but luckily she still burst into tears and told me what was going on instead of letting them control her this way. She has begged me to stop them. I call CPS over and over, and they half ass-ed go out there and ask a couple questions and leave (only going to their house up to a week after I call, casually calling ahead to let them know they are coming). WHAT DO I DO!? I finally lost it in mediation the other day when he sat laughing at me while the mediator referred to him as the "victim" telling me since I was NOT the victim here, I could not request separate mediation which is the Victim’s Right. I am a trained volunteer, also, with the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition in our county now. I want to be the voice for my 10 year old daughter, and we are being stifled. What can I do? He is not bruising her…as far as I know there is no proof now (unless the molest she accused him of when she was 4 or so is occurring lord forbid or else…). I am about to lose it. I want to scoop up my child (and my other 3 children and husband I have now) and run away since no one will legally help us! Thursday evening was the most recent time (she’s been at his house since, because he has every weekend with her) she told me "Because I am afraid of him". They keep telling me that because there are no marks, she is "within the law". She tells me she wants to talk to mediators (which I have now requested) but she still feels afraid of her father finding out what she said and asks me regularly if someone is going to tell him. So, I am concerned that she may still hold back at court once she sees that he IS there (even though not in the room). I am preparing her as much as possible and as much as legally allowed without accidentally leading her in any way. Which, I’m sure he is doing his own preparing there as well. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions??? I have no money, by the way. My husband recently got fired and so we are nearing bankruptcy so have never been able to afford a lawyer unfortunately. I know I need one. He has also turned CPS into a little game, since I had called for valid reasons on him, now when I "piss him off" he calls and tells them untrue things; every time they have come out they have declared it unfounded after about 5 minutes of being here and have now red flagged my file as possibly malicious fraud calls (which apparently is not illegal yet in this county or state yet! especially because the calls can be anonymous even though they are quoting what he just screamed at me the day before). So, I assume he has successfully turned my child’s safety net into a game.

easy. next time she is there have her call the police. get her a cell phone if possible. then when she is alone tell her to call the police and report it

2 Responses

1. comingbacksoon Says:
   December 31st, 2009 at 9:22 am

   see if she will open up to another adult apart from the police with you present, someone she will feel safe with and in a safe environment…. before you ever mention you want her to open up concentrate on the woman of your choice to form a relationship to build the trust and the woman can then slowly ask inevasive questions at first. a welfare officer visiting in the home or someone who works with children like a teacher or day care centre person would be goood. this person can then be a witness. never tell her things that may scare her like "tell the police what daddy did to you so he can go to prison" etc. her father may already be telling her not to tell anyone (mine did when i was only 6) and she will feel scared to tell anyone. let her know she is safe and that she can trust you and to be brave so he doesnt keep hurting her and that you are there to protect her.
   References :

2. tazman111 Says:
   December 31st, 2009 at 10:11 am

   easy. next time she is there have her call the police. get her a cell phone if possible. then when she is alone tell her to call the police and report it
   References :

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