Abuse against women!!! I do not know what to do?
December 312009
I am a supervisor at a tutoring center at an elementary school. One of my tutors (who is a very sweet 25 year old, with a 4 year old daughter, living with her boyfriend who is not the baby’s dad) has been showing up to tutor with the purple eye and bruised up chin and cheeks, and today I noticed there were more bruises and darker as well. I do not know the boyfriend at all or anything else about this girl. She does keep a smiley face on and still very kind and patient with the kids she tutors so there is no behavioral sign of abuse. However, face and arm bruises don’t just appear. She usually gets picked up by her boy friend but today and yesterday she asked a coworker to give her ride back. I did notice an upsetting chat with her boyfriend before she left yesterday, probably refusing to pick her up.
I talked to my manager and she said that this girl is an adult, if she is not willing to talk about it or ask for help we cannot help her. That sounds wrong, there’s gotta be a way …
Dixie, as a supervisor who works at a tutoring center as well, I ask you to first save the child. She is the most vulnerable. Find where the child goes to school in a conversation with the mother. Just saying "hey so what does your child do? You seem like a very patient person is she home-schooled?" Stuff like that. Then as soon as you find out about any off-home activities that the daughter does, report to that place anonymously and have the administrative to keep a close look on her. If they notice the slightest thing the child needs to be kept out of that place. By helping the child you are helping the mother because for whatever reason she is not reporting it, she will after the child is saved.
I suggest you personally do not give her a clue that you have even noticed the bruises getting worse. If you need more help let me know. I live in Arizona and we deal with situations like this and students like these on daily basis. simply send an email to this address. Thanks and best of luck
December 31st, 2009 at 8:58 am
Unfortunately rules are rules.
Sad.
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December 31st, 2009 at 9:37 am
confront her about it she might trip a lot or something…
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December 31st, 2009 at 10:14 am
Your manager is right
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December 31st, 2009 at 10:40 am
trun his ass in thats all you have to do
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December 31st, 2009 at 11:19 am
You can talk to her about it while you are alone and ask her if you can help out in anyway.
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December 31st, 2009 at 11:56 am
It’s none of your business. You can talk to her about it if you want, but she may find your prying an offensive intrusion into her private life. You’ll have to decide if its worth it.
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December 31st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
That is wrong.
But you cant help a self induced victim.
I have no sympathy for people who let themselves be abused and do nothing about it.
I would talk to her.. She will probally resent it.. Alot.
But tell her you are concerned, and that you want to help her.
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December 31st, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Get the name and phone # of a center for abused women and children. Gently give it to her and a reminder that IF she is being abused, her daughter is learning that it’s ok to tolerate it. Good luck.
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December 31st, 2009 at 1:35 pm
You need to find out more about her boyfriend and make her talk to you about it and if it’s serious you should do something about it.
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December 31st, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I’m not sure what your centers policies are, but I would find a way to talk to her about it off the clock, so it’s two friends speaking instead of co-workers. It does seem like she is being abused, and could just be waiting for someone to offer help.
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December 31st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I would take her aside somewhere very private, away from he walls with ears, and tell her you notice she seems to have been hurt a lot recently and that you are worried. Tell her if she needs some help, she can some to you. then drop it unless she asks for your help or wants to talk.
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December 31st, 2009 at 3:05 pm
confront her in a non work associated setting… ask her to lunch say that you will drive…
then pop the question smoothy
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December 31st, 2009 at 3:34 pm
You’ve got to do what Arnold did in Kindergarten Cop. If the guy’s beating her up, he’s breaking the law, its that simple. Approach the girl and try talking to her. If she refuses help talk to the boyfriend if you have the balls. Tell him if he continues the abuse you will report him to the police and press charges. Physical abuse of any kind is against the law and you should report it before it goes too far.
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December 31st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
u cant do anything if she not willing to talk about it
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December 31st, 2009 at 4:00 pm
There is always a way to help. You might want to get her a pamlet or something small to stick in her shoe or somewhere so that her boyfriend doesn’t see it just in case something really really bad happens or that she needs a way out. Too many times women are afraid to do anything because they love them… and he saids he’s sorry… Don’t let because of what your manger said stop you from trying to do something. Not just that think about the child… she’s seeing this and what if he hits the little girl… then what… at what point does the abuse stop.
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December 31st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
As difficult as it is, you cannot confront someone that you don’t know particularly well and ask them to spill their heart out. And you are simply making assumptions based on your perception of what is or has happened. Does she play women’s rugby? Is she a kick-boxer? There are other perfectly rational explanations for bruising.
And you noticed an upsetting chat the other day and for two days in a row her boyfriend hasn’t picked her up…maybe she was upset because her boyfriend that she loves very dearly was going away on business?
If you can see the bruises then so can her sister, mother, cousin, best friend etc etc. Let them deal with it, and my advice would be not to go gossip-mongering around school suggesting ‘abuse against women’. You may just find a normally extremely passive but now extremely angry boyfriend chasing you for an explanation.
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December 31st, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Its true – you can’t force people to expose and seek help for what is happening in their life – just be ready to help and support when they do!
Sounds like she is very close to seeking help – but she has to do that for herself
If you intervene she will probably go back to him on her own accord anyway
The main problem would be what her 4 year old daughter is witnessing – Social services have a duty to protect the child – and she should be protected from being in an enviroment like that!
Hopefully her Mum will come to her senses and leave the man so that both her and her daughter can be safe and happy
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December 31st, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Sadly, abusive relationships require TWO willing participants. Some women are sick that way…
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December 31st, 2009 at 5:40 pm
no, that’s wrong. if you know her well enough to talk to her, maybe you should ask if everything is okay, you don’t want to say too much, just ask her if she’s alright, or even just straight up ask her, I mean…. I’m sure if someone were to see you with a bunch of bruises you’d expect them to ask what happened, I think if it continues you should talk with her, or even ask if she wants to take a lunch/smoke break with you and talk to her, maybe she doesn’t have anyone else to talk to and maybe she would appreciate someone asking and offering help
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December 31st, 2009 at 5:55 pm
if u ask me i dont think u have enough evidence to tell the police or sometin like dat
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December 31st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
2 words "those bruises?" if she ignores you "would you like to talk?" that seems to touch a spot deep inside that makes a person warm up to you a bit more at times, if not try the comical thing, "so who won?",if she says she did "I’d hate to see the other guy"
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December 31st, 2009 at 6:35 pm
do you ever see her kid? If the kid is being abused, then you can call CPS.
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December 31st, 2009 at 6:56 pm
you need to get this women in a secret place and talk to her and if she does not want to talk than try and talk some sense into her and if she still says no you have to do something about it your self or she could get seriously hert.
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December 31st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
wow, that sounds serious. did she not give any reason for the bruising? I worked with a couple of people (strangely at the same time) but one was abused by her ex, and the other was abusing herself. the one who was being abused professed that she could help herself, but the one who was abusing herself, well, we decided to call her mother. we couldn’t stand to see the marks on her arms anymore. she was also in her mid twenties.
you could call the police to get some advice. if they can’t help you, maybe they could point you to some other sources.
if this is happening, she would probably be so embarrassed and lie about her situation if someone at work confronted her.
it is a very tough thing though, and if you really think something like this is going on in her life try to help her in some way, for her and her daughter.
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December 31st, 2009 at 8:03 pm
No unfourtunitly you supervisor is right. All you can really do is support her if she comes to you. If you confront her she may quit her job in fear that you will cause trouble for her BF. try open ended questions that will start a conversation about what is going on. you see a new bruise talk to her about what she did not the night before in a passing conversation.
Incases with a beaten partner the partner has to seek help they usually yo-yo with their choice to receive help of not depending on were she is in the cycle of being beaten. if she is in the part of the cycle where he makes up for all the things he has done and is showering her with gifts you will not make any head way and like I said you could loose her. My question is does the child have any real bad bruises. now this changes every thing you see bruises on her everything can happen. at that point I would use the little girl as a reason to leave. Let her know that her living with some one who beats her in front of her little girl is bad and she may get her kid taken away is one thing but if the creep touches her. the game is on and then things will happen. at that point I would let her know her child could be taken from her if he beats the little girl. But if the little one has nothing on her there is not much you can do. It sounds like her best attribute to being employed there is the reason she is putting up with being beaten she has too much paitients. Not to sound sick but in this day and age any thing can happen and for all we know they maybe having an S and M relationship and she could very well be the M in the relationship. good luck
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December 31st, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Dixie, as a supervisor who works at a tutoring center as well, I ask you to first save the child. She is the most vulnerable. Find where the child goes to school in a conversation with the mother. Just saying "hey so what does your child do? You seem like a very patient person is she home-schooled?" Stuff like that. Then as soon as you find out about any off-home activities that the daughter does, report to that place anonymously and have the administrative to keep a close look on her. If they notice the slightest thing the child needs to be kept out of that place. By helping the child you are helping the mother because for whatever reason she is not reporting it, she will after the child is saved.
I suggest you personally do not give her a clue that you have even noticed the bruises getting worse. If you need more help let me know. I live in Arizona and we deal with situations like this and students like these on daily basis. simply send an email to this address. Thanks and best of luck
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